Cliff Compton: "So Cabana has a job there now?"
CM Punk: "Cabana has a had a job for two months now."
Cliff Compton: "Cliff Compton needs a job now."
Punk groaned in annoyance. Every time he hung out with the former WWE Tag Champ, he brought this up. It was mostly a joke but every guy from the indies had been coming out of the woodwork, trying to get a chance to get looked at. And they wanted Punk to help give them that shot.
CM Punk: "They aren't doing anything with him. They just brought him in for the Cena thing. I got them to take a look at Nigel and they put him in a match with me. He blew up like three minutes in so I don't think they're taking considerations from me at the moment. Plus Cabana just jobbed to Taka Michinoku."
Cliff Compton: "Taka FUCKIN' Michinoku works there?"
A waitress strolled by and gave both wrestlers an odd look after that outburst but continued on her way.
CM Punk: "So does Funaki."
Cliff Compton: "FUCKIN' Kaientai have jobs?!"
CM Punk: "I'm wrestling Funaki this week."
Compton buried his hands over his face and Punk just smirked in response.
Cliff Compton: "Son of a bitch."
CM Punk: "Do you even WATCH our show?"
Cliff Compton: "Dude, I've been wrestling over sea's. I don't even know what month it is."
CM Punk: "It's not that great being on the road this much. Do you know how often I get pulled over? The cops see a guy like me, covered in tattoo's who looks like he knows how to make real nice meth and they think they've hit the mother load."
Cliff Compton: "Yeah, yeah, I know you dress like your homeless and you live in a dumpster but you're making money. I'll wrestle Funaki for half of what you make! I'll JOB to Funaki!"
Punk paused for a moment. His little hut in Chicago he was holed up in was getting kind claustrophobic. He had a lot of stuff. Comics mostly. Maybe it was time to look for a bigger spot. Jess barely had room to sit when she crashed there.
CM Punk: "I might lose to Funaki."
Cliff Compton: "You're not going to lose to Funaki, fuck off!"
CM Punk: "OK, so, if I manage to get past that young upcomer from Japan..well..I don't really like how the brackets are set-up."
Cliff Compton: "Brackets? Hell are you talking about?"
CM Punk: "Oh. Right. Forgot. You're the one who is demanding a job but don't even know who works there. Anyway, King Of The Ring. It looks like it's set-up for Cena and I to be in the finals."
The Chicago native's tattooed fingers started to tense up.
CM Punk: "I like my spot, I like my job, I don't want to go to jail for homicide."
Cliff Compton: "So if it goes down, mess him up, but don't kill him."
CM Punk: "Can't promise that."
It only sounded as though Phil were half-joking when he said that.
CM Punk: "Probably work out better if Funaki squashes me finally is allowed his chance to shine. That red hot dynamo."
Cliff Compton: "So..after Daff, Traci, Maria and whoever the hell else..this chick turns you into a decent human being."
CM Punk: "What are you talking about?"
Cliff Compton: "Jess! When's the wedding, man?"
Punk rolled his eyes and glanced away after biting down on another forkful of egg.
CM Punk: "Kill yourself."
Cliff Compton: "It's cool. Live in denial."
CM Punk: "It's cool. Keeping wrestling in Kazakhstan while I have four stars with Funaki."
This seemed to shut up Punk's pal as he grumbled to himself and glanced away.
Cliff Compton: "Hate you."
Punk smirked again but began to ponder things to himself. Did he want to murder Cena because of what he had done to him or because what he had done to his girlfriend? Maybe she really had wormed her way into his heart. Marriage was out of the question, to hell with that, but he was beginning to think how strange his life would be if she weren't around. He became so lost in thought that he didn't even notice that Cliff was still badgering him and hoping that Funaki "no-selled the GTS."
XXX
An hour or two later, Punk decided to corral a camera man from his sleep to shot his promo for Warfare. He was now seated on a rickety brown bench on an empty street corner about a block or two from the cafe he had just dined at. He gazed off at into space with a determined look on his face and his hands folded underneath of his chin. Some dark clouds passed over a full moon that hung above him. Something was on his mind and he was never one to hold back.
CM Punk: "I had to think a long time whether or not I wanted to do this or not. But I couldn't call myself the voice of the voiceless if I held my tongue. I'm about to go for the throat of one of pro wrestling's sacred cow's. Someone most would call untouchable. Someone who has used his influence to hold down talent for far too long. You all have probably figured it out by now because there's only one man who could possibly fit this description. This is going to be the most explosive pipe bomb I've ever unleashed. And it's aimed squarely at one man. Sho. Funaki."
Punk nodded along after revealing that name.
CM Punk: "That's right. I know Funaki is listening to this in total shock. In shock that someone would dare take a stand against him. But that's what I do. I'm putting his tyranny to an end. Someone has to. Someone has to look him in his beady eyes and finally.."
He paused for a moment before grinning and actually laughing.
CM Punk: "No, I'm just joking. Hey, I tried. I've got Funaki in the second round of this whole King Of The Ring schindig. At first I was surprised. Mostly because I didn't actually realize that not only was Funaki employed here but he had actually made past the first round."
The Straight Edge practitioner shrugged his shoulders.
CM Punk: "Honestly, what am I supposed to say? Everyone knows I'm pretty good on the mic but I can't exactly have an epic battle of wits with Funaki. He has a one word vocabulary and, hear me out on this, I don't even think it's his own voice when he says those two syllables. I've watched it carefully and his mouth doesn't even come CLOSE to matching up with it."
Punk holds up his palms in defense.
CM Punk: "Just my opinion, I could be wrong. And then to my further shock and awe, my good buddy Colt Cabana dropped his match to Funaki's buddy Taka."
He exhaled deeply and simply shook his head.
CM Punk: "Damn it, Cabana. You suck. So maybe I do have some kind of beef with Funaki. Maybe I should tear into the guy as some sort of revenge. He took my best friend out of this tournament. But c'mon. Let's be completely honest here. Does anyone expect CM PUNK, three time World Champion, 2011 Man Of The Year, to get knocked off by FUNAKI in the King Of The Ring? Funaki can't even possibly believe that himself. It doesn't matter if he brings Taka or that little hobgoblin Layla with him. Every last person on this planet knows that I'm taking this one home. This is the mismatch of the century and if I somehow lost I think the entire universe would implode on itself."
Punk smoothed a palm along a few of his knuckles while possibly day dreaming about getting Funaki to scream like a tourist running from a rampaging Godzilla.
CM Punk: "Now don't get me wrong. I'm not overlooking Funaki. I want that World Title too much to get sloppy and make a careless mistake. And a lot of you might not know about Funaki's history. In Japan, along with Taka, he was in a group called Kaientai DX with Dick Togo, Shiryu and Mens Teioh. Yes, you're Uncle Punker knows his wrestling. Those guys were a terror and could out perform just about anyone on any given night. If I get that Funaki I might have some trouble. If he leaves the poorly dubbed anime schtick at home he might push me a little. But as it stands, he's a comedy act and I don't feel like laughing much right now. I feel like steamrolling through everyone in my way until I get back that title."
The former World Champ's face took on a contemplative look.
CM Punk: "With all that said..Funaki was present when Val Venis got his dick sliced off. So if he could be a part of something like that, there really is no low he won't stoop to. I mean, between men, that's pretty unforgivable. That's just rotten. If you would do that to another human being there really is nothing you aren't capable of. So maybe I will keep my guard up a little more. Kaientai does walk around spouting off about how eeeevil they are."
The smirk that appeared on Punk's face began to resemble that of the grappler who once was The Straight Edge Messiah. The same man that injured others just for having a different belief system. The same man who led Elite with a ruthless iron fist and trampled anyone who got in his way
CM Punk: "Don't let the crowd pop's fool you. Don't let this handsome face give you the wrong idea. I'm still the same guy who would shove your Grandmother's head into a stove to become champion again. I'm still very much evil. I just don't have to go around saying it because everyone already knows. So Funaki can have this one of two ways. He can take the GTS and get a harsh trip to slumber land. Or he can put up a fight and I can drag him all the way around the arena and beat him so badly that he'll think he's Kung Fu Naki again. Hey, at least then he had an entertaining theme song and a killer head band. Right now, he's not even good at being second rate comedy relief. And the more I think about it, the less I want to give him an option in this whole matter. He's getting his ass handed to him and I'm moving on in the tournament. And is the crowd going to go wild when it happens? INDEEEEEEEEED."
Punk drops the pitch of his voice to mock Funaki's absurd catch phrase before giving one of his patented smart ass smiles to the folks at home.
