Finding a good hot dog in Kansas was difficult. Far more so than in, say, Chicago where EBWF World Champion CM Punk hailed from. Still, after hunting and searching he located a decent enough spot called "Big City Hot Dogs". He had brought along his best friend, podcast host and fellow pro wrestler, Colt Cabana. Since it was late December, Punk was dressed in a hooded sweatshirt, hood over his shaved head, to conceal his identity. Cabana didn't get noticed nearly as much, lack of national television exposure will do that, despite a brief EBWF stint. The two ring combatants finished off their frankfurter's and leaned against the small establishment. X-Mas decorations covered the joint but since Punk was not a holiday guy and Colt was Jewish, it meant very little to them.
Colt Cabana: Alright so you have to tell me. What's he like?
CM Punk: "Who?"
Colt Cabana: "HHH!"
CM Punk: "I..don't really know 'em."
Cabana seemed to be absolutely floored by this statement. His mouth hung open. He either had wanted to hear juicy gossip or horror stories.
Colt Cabana: "Whaaat?! C'mon man! You're telling me he's not stomping around with a sledge hammer backstage?"
CM Punk: "Thus far, he hasn't screamed "I'M FUCKING GOING OVER" in my face yet. Haven't talked to 'em that much. I don't know what he thinks of me. You do remember that a lot of brainiacs used to call me the "HHH of ROH", right?"
Colt Cabana: "You were!"
Punk rolled his eyes sarcastically and nodded along in agreement. Some members of the ROH locker room, who weren't nearly as dedicated as himself, had labeled him that during his time with the promotion.
CM Punk: "I know. I wanted to wear that title to church on Sunday's and nothing else. No one went over when I was in control. I was HHH, damn it!"
Colt Cabana: "Seriously though. Nothing?
CM Punk: "Yes Cabana. He marched straight up to me while I was in catering and gave me the pedigree through a table. 'Worship me! Worship me, fools!' he screamed."
Cabana looked dispirited and it was difficult to tell if this was a serious reaction or not.
Colt Cabana: "Sure would be a lot more interesting if he did."
CM Punk: "Nash, if he's even still buddies with Trips, was always complimentary of my work. To my face anyway. I don't know if 'Haitch shares the same opinion or not. I honestly don't care. Should be a good match and it should draw well so that's all that matters to me. Maybe he asked for a match against me because he thinks I'm the best on the roster. Or maybe he just thinks it will sell tickets. Whatever works."
There were a few moments of silence as Punk seemed to stare off into nothingness.
CM Punk: "I've got this weird feeling."
Colt Cabana: "That's called a boner. You get 'em around Jess."
He could be seen lightly scowling from underneath of his hood.
CM Punk: "Listen, Scotty Fucking Goldman."
Colt Cabana: "That is a racist term towards me and you know it!"
Scotty Goldman was Colt's name during his ill-fated WWE run and it wasn't exactly something he fondly remembered. Punk pressed on.
CM Punk: "So I've been World Champion. I've main evented pay per views. I've won the King of the Ring. I've done pretty much every kind of match I can think of. I've got the respect of the roster and everyone in the office now. They actually look to the indies now and give guys chances unlike when I first showed up. I broke the glass ceiling and made it. And, like I said on twitter, all I really need to do now is main event Wrestle Mania."
Colt Cabana: "So you're saying what exactly?"
CM Punk: "I don't know. If I do that, I think I've kinda done everything I've wanted to do. I think there are guys on the roster who they can build around in the future. I really don't want to keep doing this when I'm forty and completely banged up. I've made enough money to where I could just vegetate on a couch all day if I felt like it. I love what I do and I wouldn't trade it for anything. Maybe HHH should just Pedigree me to the center of the Earth while I think about all this."
Silence once more. Anyone who knew Punk would have been pretty alarmed to have heard him talk like this since wrestling had always been his lifelong passion.
CM Punk: "Nah. Fuck it. I want to main event Wrestle Mania AND I want a three thousand day title reign along with it."
Colt Cabana: "At least you've BEEN in a Wrestle Mania! Can we swap problems? I'll worry about a match with HHH and you life with the shame of losing a handicap match in two minutes to VLADIMIR KOZLOV with FUNAKI as your partner."
This brought a smirk to his face. He understood that this wasn't really a problem and most people would probably be very envious of the situation. Regardless, for the first time in his career he had given some thought to life outside of pro wrestling. What were you supposed to do when you have conquered nearly all of your goals?
XXX
CM Punk had decided to forgo finding any landmarks to base his promo around. His locker room was a fine enough location for what he had to say to his next opponent. On a cold winter's night, he paced back and forth. His black hoodie kept most of his face hidden and kept a foreboding shadow over his features. His taped fist met repeatedly with his palm and his sneakers tredded with a purpose.
CM Punk: "All this time I thought I was doing some good. I thought I was the Voice of the Voiceless. I really thought I was making a difference. But I was wrong. Because HHH, or as he was known in ancient Rome, MARS THE GOD OF WAR, has deemed me unworthy."
The Straight Edge Superstar bowed his head in a mock display of humbleness. Something that every fan knew CM Punk did not actually possess.
CM Punk: "The sky itself was torn apart! The sun burned with intensity and rage! The devourer or world's had seen enough! The man who created sex, apple pie and life itself was ready for combat!"
Punk made grand hand gestures while continuing to perpetuate the myth that HHH was some kind of all powerful being. He sighed and placed a hand over his beating heart.
CM Punk: "I truly am a scourge against humanity. The bottom of the barrel. All the peasants that I've horrified for these almost three months have finally had their prayers answered as HHH has descended through time and space to wipe me off the face of his planet. And I, as a mere mortal, humbly accept this challenge. It was I and I alone who has been able to awaken the mighty and powerful HHH from his slumber. But it does raise a few questions. Where exactly was HHH when some of the other title reigns were happening?"
While posing this question, he began to scratch a couple of fingers along his beard in thought.
CM Punk: "I mean, for an entire YEAR, Randy Orton was field goal kicking Grandmothers in the head and RKOing everything with a pulse. Where was HHH to stop this from going down?"
Punk rose his hands to the heavens to direct this question to HHH's god and goddess cohorts these important query's.
CM Punk: "Or what about when complete psychopaths like Brian Kendrick and Cody Rhodes were breaking into homes and dumping dead animals on people?"
He slowly began to shake his head. If HHH was such a purveyor or the fine art of professional wrestling, just where was he when those two lunatics were running amok?
CM Punk: "And above all this..the most dire of circumstances..where was he when THE MIZ was having a title reign?! Do you know how many lives we nearly lost during those dark ages?! Do you have ANY idea how startling the suicide rate became?! Where was Hunter then? Where. Was. He?"
He pointed directly at the camera while asking this question with grave seriousness. As if he truly believed that a Mike Mizanin title reign could have spelled the end of the world that many thought the Mayan's had predicted.
CM Punk: "But somehow I'm worse than all of them? No. I refuse to believe that. I know exactly why HHH has returned from..wherever the hell he's been hiding all of these years. I'm assuming by the way he likes to dress before his matches that he was off LARPing or shaking down nerds for their forty sided dice at D&D conventions. Or, ya know, maybe being the President of The Motorhead fan club is a way tougher job than it looks."
The complete and utter smart ass shrugged. He assumed that the upkeep on that strange beard that Lemmy sported must have been a difficult task.
CM Punk: "Point is, I know why HHH decided to return. And I don't think it was to sit through a cliche, tedious, contract signing. Damn, I hate those. Either someone gets put through the table or there's an intense stare down. And, lo and behold, option number two went down and I ended up glaring into those beady eyes of Mr. Chyna."
Chicago's own imitated the stare off that closed Warfare by narrowing his eyes as if staring into the face of foe.
CM Punk: But ol' Hunter didn't show up just to get gutted on the mic. He returned because he saw someone who is better than him. Despite all of his accolades, despite everything he's accomplished, he saw a man who has surpassed him in the ring. And he couldn't stand it. He couldn't stand that a guy like me has stomped all over his legend. HHH and I come from two entirely different backgrounds and that is very obvious. But we both had to fight to get to the top and not without obstacles thrown in our path at every last step. I'm a straight edged, tattooed.."
He gave a glance at his own physique.
CM Punk: "I was almost going to say scrawny but, hey, I'm looking pretty lean nowadays thanks to that fancy vegan diet. Anyway, I look like I do and HHH is a jacked up, crotch chopping, sledge hammer swinging man-ape. He might look like a shaved gorilla but he isn't dumb. Not by a long shot. He's not the Cerebral Assassin for nothing. However he got this shot, politicking, name value, what have you, he's got it. Props Hunter. Couldn't sully his immortal hands with even a match with..I dunno..Evan Bourne? See he's smart. He jumped right onto the best in this company by just showing up and dribbling some water from his lips. And I really don't give a damn who he beat in 'his day'. In my day, we earn our shots. But, no big deal, I don't really have a problem beating some sense into him."
The hood was removed and the jokes and wisecracks were thrown at the window at this point in the promo.
CM Punk: "Don't let me fool you. I do respect HHH. I respect what he's done and what he can still do in the ring. But he has shown me nothing but disrespect and I won't tolerate that. He hasn't stepped foot in a ring in years but suddenly, I'M the underdog? Nuh-uh. HHH is stepping into MY world now. And it doesn't matter if he has Shawn Michaels say all the prayers in the world for him. He can bring along 1-2-3 Kid and Big Daddy Cool and Razor Ramon if he can find whatever alley he's curled up in at the moment. At Christmas Eve of Destruction, in Hell in a Cell, he's going to find out that I'm not the problem he needs to wipe out to save this company. He's going to see that I'm the solution. That I am exactly what I say I am. The BEST in the world. It doesn't matter if you pick names out of a hat from the current roster. You can dig up whatever past Superstars you want. I'll tear through every last one of them. Every pay per view seems to end with someone either trying to jump me or demanding the next shot. Well, after I take HHH, The Game, and I beat him within an inch of his life, when I beat him bloody, when I RUIN Christmas for him for the rest of his life, I get the feeling that line is going to get a whole hell of a lot shorter."
CM Punk was prepared to face an opponent that was completely unknown to him. But if he was sweating this, he was doing an amazing job of hiding it. And while there may have been some apprehension, he awaited nothing more than to test himself against a foe who would surely push him to his absolute limit.
