The Tour

The door to a silver colored, large tour bus filled the screen. It was soon opened by it's owner: CM Punk. He was dressed in a blue, hooded jacket, black jeans and sported a freshly shaved head.

CM Punk: "Ladies and germs this is my bus. I'm CM Punk. Come on up."

After waving the camera man inside, the tattooed wrestler slipped his way in. It was a very impressive vehicle and had to be an ideal mode of transportation for the notoriously anti-social former champion. The inside was narrow but spacious and an overhead microwave and refriderator could be seen in the background. A rather large television could also be spotted in a corner near the entrance door, a comfortable booth for guests to chill in and a couch that Punk probably crashed on many a times after shows.

CM Punk: "I'm on this bus way more than I'm at my actual home. I was supposed to give you a tour today for the youtube channel but I think I'm just going to cut my big Elimination Chamber promo here. Why not? It's my house and I'm comfortable. As comfortable as what happened Monday night. Comfortable and predictable. Everyone knows that if you put six wrestlers in a ring and give them microphones, something bad is going to go down. Your usual pier six brawl or donny brook erupts and everyone gets pulled apart while making mean faces and shouting curse words. And you know those promo's where one wrestler runs down multiple opponents in some sort of snazzy location and finds objects that symbolize each one of them? Well, this is one of those promo's. Except this isn't a snazzy location and I don't have anything pre-planned. So, let's just get this show on the road and start with someone who has had a lot to say about me as of late..The Miz."

Punk exhales deeply and the expression that appears on his face is almost one of pain.

CM Punk: "God damn it, I hate him. I seriously do. I've tried to convince myself that since he's a former World Champion that maybe I should give him some shred of respect but I just can't do it. He has way too many qualities that I can't stand. Least of all his rather poor ability to come up with nicknames for himself. Like.."Your favorite wrestler's, favorite wrestler"? ..Really? REALLY?"

Imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery as Punk mimics Miz's catch phrase in a tone that sounds like every stereotypical nerd from every 80's teen comedy.

CM Punk: "Allow me to speak for everyone on this roster..NONE OF US consider The Miz to be our favorite wrestler. A lot of our favorite wrestlers are probably guys like Jake Roberts, Rowdy Piper or maybe Andre The Giant. Miz, on my list, is somewhere between The Great Khali and Braden Walker. But that's cool since Miz has apparently been brain storming and came up with something even more ridiculous. "The EBWF's Most Interesting Man."

He begins to shake his head while rubbing a few fingers along one of his temples. As if just saying that did some kind of damage to his brain.

CM Punk: "What in the HELL is so interesting about him? Is it the fact that he's like, thirty one and has a beard like a sixteen year old's first attempt? Oh, it must be those snazzy ass leather coats he started to wear to the ring since he came back. You know what's funny? The Miz claims to be so interesting and yet despite the fact that he was World Champion at Wrestle Mania..he wasn't interesting enough to actually main event it. Ah, but I'm sorry, as Miz has been saying..I'm just living in the past."

Continuing his mockery, Punk sarcastically does a quick Wayne's World "not worthy" bow.

CM Punk: "I'm living in the past, and I want people to know I still exist, despite the fact that I've main evented..I dunno..like the last three pay per views in a row? Hm. And what exactly has Miz done since his illustrious return? Well, he had the IC Title handed to him because I guess actually winning it wouldn't have been interesting enough. He was in a new stable and quit that sucker faster than he quit The Trilogy. Which begs the question..why does ANYONE with half a brain keep inviting that obnoxious little twerp to join their groups? What else has Miz done? Uh..oh, he had a World Title match and couldn't beat  Cody Rhodes. Now, I know I didn't either, but I just felt the need to bring up how hypocritical Miz really is. Fun fact: Miz, Trent and AJ all had matches with Cody and none of them could actually ever pin him. But guess who did?"

Punk clicks his tongue against the roof of his mouth and aims two "white guy pointers" at the camera.

CM Punk: "I'll let you figure that one out."

Chicago's favorite son, suck it Kanye, retrieves a copy of this month's EBWF magazine from his booth's table. He holds the publication up against his face and copies Miz's expression.

CM Punk: "The Miz does look awful nice on Jay Leno's couch. And I guess he's always going to look way more stylish than me on a red carpet. That much is fact. But The Miz is never going to be half of the WRESTLER that I am and he's never going to be able to list a treasure trove of past accolades because he's never going to have any. And the only way I would ever allow myself to be pinned or eliminated by THE MIZ in this match is if every drop of blood from my body is drained. One last thing. Being on the cover of EBWF13 completely trumps his little magazine cover. Get on my level, bitch."

After tossing the magazine over his shoulder like common trash, he strolls over to his large television set. Under the cabinet it's positioned in is a stack of burned DVD's on a player. He begins to shuffle his way through them.

CM Punk: "Which brings me to my next victim. Coincidentally, I was strolling through memory lane, because that's where I live, and I found a bunch of these old DVD's. I do, as everyone knows, sleep, drink and eat pro wrestling so I like to catch up from time to time. And, hey, here's a recent one."

Punk holds up a blu-ray copy of the latest Wrestle Mania.

CM Punk: "I have a very spacious closet in the back but, unfortunately, I don't have any light up jackets so this will have to do for Jericho. At this point last year, Jericho and I were winding down our war against one another. We fought all over this country and traded a lot of victories and championships. But at Wrestle Mania, we were supposed to put that aside and become Tag Team Champions. It didn't work out that way since Chris was still carrying a grudge and he walked out on me. I never, even for a second forgot that moment but I got a little sidetracked. I kept it in the back of my mind and now I'm finally going to get my revenge on Jericho and it's going to be oh so sweet."

The blu-ray is Frisbee tossed onto his couch where it lands without a sound.

CM Punk: "I had a pretty stunning Wrestle Mania record up until that point and I take something like that very seriously. I never trusted Jericho for a moment but I thought our dislike for our mutual enemies would be more important. I was wrong. I looked like an idiot on the grandest stage of them all. But like I said..I never once, even for a single second, forgot. I've just been biding my time."

His eyes, which have darkened considerably, focused on the camera.

CM Punk: "And Jericho is very aware of what I'm capable of and how badly I can torture him. And when his pod opens up, I hope I'm in that ring. Because he's the last little bit of loose ends I need to tie up. From my memory, our little score against one another is at a stalemate. Chris has been a lot tougher and vicious lately which I screamed at him to be from the get-go. I don't want a pandering, rockstar. I want a bitter, angry vet in a flashy, goofy jacket. So when I notch one more victory in our war against one another, there won't be any excuses. Just Jericho laying at my feet where he's always belonged."

Continuing on his half-promo, half tour, Punk went deeper into the bus. He passed a separate shower and bath room, four bunks in case guests wanted to crash, and stopped just before his bedroom where a large closet could be found.

CM Punk: "Ah, I know who we've got next. Trent Barreta. Everyone seems to think that Barreta is the longshot or the dark horse. I don't see it that way. I'm aware that he is gigantic nerd. Painfully so. But that doesn't take away from the tremendous year he's had thus far. He made the Breakout Title mean something and he's one of our reigning tag champs. Still a huge geek but a successful one. I'm not underestimating him and anyone who does is an idiot. The kid has all the tools you need and I don't think there's anyone on the roster he couldn't beat. I like Trent. Well, I guess I like him more than anyone in this match. That's not saying a whole hell of a lot since the others almost make me projectile vomit. And look at this.."

Punk pulled the closet door open where a few boxes of comic box and graphic novels could be found.

CM Punk: "Comics on top of comics. Big Bat Man fan, obviously."

A lot of Bat Man, Walking Dead and a few assorted Marvel titles could be seen.

CM Punk: "Probably not even as much as Trent keeps in his gear bag but it's pretty impressive, I think. Maybe in a different world, Trent and I could talk funny books and compare collections. But this is reality and the World Title is on the line so I'm going to make him bleed if I have to. I guess the two of us are the "different one's" in this match. I mean, I am insanely cool but I also look like I'm going to break into your car and jack you. Trent looks like he's going to make you put a drill to your ear after rambling on about video game trivia. But, in my humble opinion, he's the future of this company. I can see a World Title reign for him someday. But not at Destiny. Because his future at Destiny is me smashing my way through his pod, like horror movie zombie, dragging him out kicking and screaming, and potentially breaking his nose with my knee cap. But that's because I view him as a threat. Everyone else is going to say "Trent, who?" but I know exactly who he is and what he can do. And for that reason I'm not going to allow him to get a full head of steam. I'm going to send him packing as quickly as I can and do it so violently that he has nightmares about me. Nothing personal. I'm only giving him nightmares. The rest? Lifelong trauma. I expect Trent to put on a great showing until he crosses my path. ..Oh, and he's still a massive, god damn dork. I'm talking Revenge of The Nerds, one, two AND three. Every Star Wars convention ever formed into a human form. Cute girlfriend, though."

 After shutting the closet, Punk stepped into his bedroom. The most notable things inside were his large bed and a flat screen television. He spread his arms outwards as looked about.

CM Punk: "Here is the room where Daniel Bryan will probably accuse me of 'selling out' or what have you. My big ass comfy bed and my super sharp television. All things that I've fought and scraped to earn. Just like Bryan himself. The two of us go way back so I'm not surprised he had a lot to say about me Monday night. Bryan and I helped build ring of Honor, where we both got our start.."

 Punk lowered slightly to open the small dresser underneath of his television. There were some assorted wrestling memorabilia including an old ROH houseshow poster. The image featured radically different looking pictures of CM Punk and "Bryan Danielson." Punk was clean shaven and had long blond hair and Bryan was beardless and with a shaggy mop of hair.

 CM Punk: "Old Goat Face before he became a friggen' mutant. Daniel Bryan is easily one of the best wrestlers on the planet. He, like myself, had a ton of detractors who told him he would never make it in the big leagues. But we're both here and we're both facing off against each other again. I'm happy for his success because the wrestling world needs more guys that can actually WRESTLE. Well, I was happy for him until he opened his mouth. Now I just want to break it."

 The Straight Edge practioner put the flier away, closed the cabinet and rose back to his feet.

CM Punk: " Baphomet The Pagan Monster claimed that I'm just towing the company line and I no longer fight for a purpose. I've always fought for a purpose and that purpose is myself and proving that I am the best in the world against the best talent. And I don't tow any lines. I'm here to support the sport of professional wrestling and I just happen to feel this is the best place to do it. And Bryan is now buddy-buddy with Paul Heyman..another similarity. Everyone knows I was a "Heyman guy". He helped get my foot in the door on a national level and he's doing the same with Bryan. Except there was one big difference. I never had Paul holding my hand, walking me down the aisle, and telling me every move to make. He opened the door for me and I kicked the bastard open. And not sure what else Heyman does for Goat Face and honestly, I probably don't want to. I think those broads Maurice and Paige are higher up on Heyman's 'favorite's' list and that should tell you a lot. But I don't think he needs Heyman, Anderson, Paige, Maurice or anyone else. Pan and his cloven hooves can go hold for hold and move for move with anyone. I welcome that. However, a fat load that's going to do him in an Elimination Chamber where brutality is the name of the game. I don't think this is the guy who used to 'kick heads in' anymore. This is just Heyman's minion. So, if we get in the ring together am I going to enjoy every second of catching up on old times..and by old times, I mean beating his ass like I used to when we were cutting our teeth?"
  
Punk threw his pointer fingers into the air repeatedly.

CM Punk: "YES! YES! YES! ..Daniel Bryan's chance of becoming World Champion?"

He half hardheartedly gave his shoulders a shrug.

CM Punk: "Nope."

He flopped back first onto his comfy, huge bed and placed his hands behind his head.

CM Punk: "No, this isn't my AJ Styles metaphor type deal. I just wanted to remember how comfortable my bed is. Although, it might actually be fitting since AJ has slept with about fifty percent of The Diva's at this point. Seriously, and I'm the one who is called a man-whore? I think someone has taken my illustrious title. Lucky dog"

After sitting up, he gave his chin a scratch or two.

CM Punk: "On second thought..this IS my AJ Styles metaphor. We're two very different people and I don't really have anything that makes him spring to mind for me. Other than this bed reminding me how big of a man-whore he is. AJ and I have had our battles. I completely respect AJ for what he can do in the ring. I almost feel bad for just constantly kicking the trash out of him for those months we fought over the PTG Title. He had a good World Title reign and he's smacked The Miz around a few times so I can't completely hate him. He won the Royal Rumble and I believe he's proven himself to be a top notch talent. Unfortunately, he has that half-dead, lumbering corpse Kevin Nash shadowing his every step so that definitely hurts him in the long run. I mean, I don't have any bit players from MAGIC MIKE hanging around me and I think I'm all the better for it. If Nash ever gives AJ Hollywood advice, I hope he's smart enough to dive through the nearest window, even if they're in a skyscraper."

Punk stood from his bed and fluffed a pillow before tossing it back down onto the sheets.

CM Punk: "AJ just seems constantly distracted. Women, Super Shredder Nash,..no wonder he's a former champion. All that ability, I respect. But he's never had his head screwed on too tight. And in this environment you have to either have razor sharp focus or completely destroy whatever is holding you back. I've done it and my mind is only on reclaiming that gold. AJ's mind could be anywhere. And it can't exactly be the sharpest because he WILLINGLY buddied up with The Miz. The man must have infinite amount of patience to have ever survived a car ride with him. But on the danger scale, "Road Trip With Miz" is a close second to The Elimination Chamber. If I'm lucky he'll do a cool 'high-light-reel' flip off one of the pods and snap his neck so I don't have to deal with them. Not that I've ever had a problem with that before since my record against Allen Jones is pretty damn sparkling. And after Destiny it's going to stay that way. I'm sure AJ will lick his wounds by finding the next Diva that shows up. Or she'll lick his wounds. Whatever. A lot of gross licking of AJ Styles and I'm sorry for the mental image."

 Ha. It almost felt good to be able to mock someone else for getting around. Sighing, Punk moved to the camera and started to shoo it away.

 CM Punk: "Alright, I've given you a tour AND a promo. You don't have to leave but you can't stay here. But don't worry. You're going to be plenty sick of me after Sunday night when I become a four time World Champion and a two time Elimination Chamber survivor.."

The camera continued to back away until it was outside. The door to the bus closed shut, leaving Punk to prepare for this deadly and exhausting match alone.